


To be lovable.

by Piemachine (Brynnen)



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Comfort, Crossdressing, Dancing, Gen, Makeup, Psychology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 16:32:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8674633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brynnen/pseuds/Piemachine
Summary: Heinz Doofenshmirtz has a very private pleasure. Of course, when your nemesis has a habit of crashing through walls unannounced, privacy is something of an illusion.





	

  
As as child they had been nothing but instruments of torture, yet more unwanted symbols of how unwanted he'd been. As an adult though they'd come to mean something entirely different. Threads of desire, protectiveness and love pulled at him when he saw them now, a complex shimmering of feeling and kaleidoscopic memory overwhelmed him at the sight.

  
Heinz adroitly tied the belt ends into a bow behind his back, settling it neatly in the small of his back and looked down to admire the demurely plain lilac dress he wore. It hung elegantly from his lanky frame, supported by the forms that weren't cartoonishly big like a drag queen's, but not so small as to look disproportionate on him. The kind lady at the very discreet shop had listened patiently to his nervous ramblings as hopes, fears and old hurts had poured out of his mouth, then smiled and produced the perfect breast forms for his body type, then scrutinised him again before finding just the right padding to give him curving hips.

  
Heinz angled the mirror just so and set to applying his lipstick, filling out his narrow lips into a lush, pink pout. When he was done he adjusted the mirror's angle to do his eye make-up - never looking at his whole face at a time, not in this state, not again. It was too depressing - he was the man the Uglyinator couldn't make any uglier.

  
Hmm, a nice smoky grey-lavender eye-shadow and then careful, careful with the mascara wand. He opened his eyes wide, felt the resistance as he applied the dark make-up to lengthen his short eyelashes. He fluttered them, feeling the cool mascara against his powdered skin. He couldn't help the smile that pulled at his mouth as he slid his stocking-clad feet into the low-heeled pumps and stood.

  
The cliches said he should be getting off sometime around now, but Heinz couldn't. Introducing sex to this cheapened this special time. The one time he'd tried he'd felt wrong, grimy and awkward and he'd ended up sat in the shower weeping. He did this to get away from feeling wrong, awkward and unwanted... To stop being him for even an hour and to be someone another person might conceivably love. This was time away from his hideous, ungainly body, feeling free of it all.

  
The next part of the ritual was the wine. He uncorked the riesling adroitly, releasing its scent as he poured a generous glass. Pause, swirl, sniff, taste. Heinz' toes curled in pleasure as the flavours unfolded on his tongue and his shoulders relaxed slightly in anticipation of the warm laxness that would soon follow. He sauntered over to the CD player, enjoying the way the skirt of his dress swayed with every swing of his hips, its weight a pendulum counterpoint to his gait.

  
The sugary-sweet melancholy of soft schrammelmusik filled the air at the touch of a button and Heinz dipped a curtsey to an imaginary partner, before stepping back into a waltz. Cares slipped away as he moved with the pulse of the music, letting the music carry him away to a Viennese dancehall where trachten-clad musicians played and elegantly dressed men and women danced the night away. Champagne and laughter fizzed across his awareness as he maintained a correct ballroom hold on a dance-partner that existed only in his mind.

  
The level in his wineglass drained over the next two songs and his coordination grew looser, tense muscles relaxing with inebriation and pleasure. He felt full of warmth and intoxicated by wine and his fantasy. He swayed over to the table to pour another glass when the door shattered to splinters under the webbed little foot of his nemesis.

  
Relaxed muscles instantly tensed and the familiar sick feeling returned to his stomach so fast he wanted to vomit. 'Perry the Platypus, this is private!' He shrieked, making a futile effort to hide his dress-clad body behind the table. His powdered cheeks grew warm and he could feel tears threatening to spill over his mascaraed eyelashes. How dare his nemesis do this to him!

  
Perry chittered a stammering apology, even as Heinz yelped and looked like he was about to start hyperventilating. Perry turned to see what the evil scientist had frozen at and looked up at Vanessa, the girl framed in the splintered remnants of the door. He held his breath, staring up at the black-clad youth and mentally begging her not to make things any worse than they already were.

  
Vanessa stared into her Dad's private room through the hole where the door had been. Her eyes took in the sheer stockings covering razor-sharp shins, the plain, demurely pretty dress and the brown wig. Heinz flinched at her clinical assessing stare that swept over everything, taking in every detail of his private comfort now laid bare as public shame.

  
Perry the platypus shifted uncomfortably at the mortification he'd caused his nemesis and tried to look apologetic. The angst and horror in Heinz' eyes didn't lessen as he stood, still as a statue, not even breathing as he stared at Vanessa.

  
She sighed softly and broke the deadlock. 'You know, Dad, I think your skin tone could take some of the richer jewel tones. Maybe a nice rich blue would look good on you.' She tilted her head, visualising it and then nodded in satisfaction. She raised her eyebrows at him as Heinz' tearful stare turned incredulous.

  
Her Dad did a lot of stuff that annoyed her. He was a total goofball, he acted like she was still three, scrounged off Mom and appeared to think that trying and failing to take over the Tri-State area was a worthwhile way to spend his life. Frankly he exasperated the Hell out of her most of the time and there was only so long she could stand his idiocy for before she wanted to shake some sense into him, but she still cared for him, even if he was a big dope.

  
'You thought this might be what made me run back to Mom and beg never to have to visit you again?' She guessed, internally concerned about how long it had been since he last took a breath. A mute nod was his only response. She sighed again and picked her way over the pieces of door the platypus had left lying about to hug her dad carefully, worried about how rigid his wiry frame was in her arms. He must have been scared because he barely reacted, didn't even start saying dumb things about his plans for the future or blubbering embarrassingly about how cute she was. She was going to have to talk about sappy stuff, like feelings.

  
'Seriously Dad, you thought this, rather than the crazy schemes, monologuing and mortal combat with a cute little animal would be what turned me away from you?' Her expression changed from its usual skepticism to an unusually compassionate cast.

 

'Dad, I've met Oma and Opa, I've heard enough of your stories to know that if even half of them are half true then your upbringing was hideously abusive and left you with little concept of safety, let alone affection or security.' She looked away from her Dad, unable to bear the expression he had on his face at that moment and her gaze fell on the faded photo of her ocelot grandparents and extended family. Something twisted in her chest and it felt hard to breathe for a second.

  
'I don't get it, but I don't have to understand everything behind it to see that this...' Her gesture took in the dress, wine and the CD player that was still playing something sickeningly schmaltzy as a lady sang about love and death in German. 'This helps, for whatever reason. It's not dangerous, illegal or hurting anyone and it obviously makes you feel better somehow, so why would I have a problem with it?'

  
Vanessa caught their incredulous stares and shrugged in that nonchalant ways teens throughout the world have mastered. 'What? So I took a few extra science credit projects in psychology, whatever. See ya for lunch Dad.'

  
With that she retraced her way carefully through the debris and back out of the room. After a few seconds' silence loud music began blaring from the direction of her bedroom and Perry and Heinz looked at one another in utter discombobulation. Heinz staggered back a couple of steps and fell back into a chair with a thud.

  
'What did I do to deserve a daughter like that, Perry the Platypus?'  
Perry chittered and patted a bony knee comfortingly. They stayed silent for several long minutes, mentally reeling at the events of the last half hour, until the CD player whirred onto its next track and Heinz gasped.

'I love this song! Dance with me, Perry the Platypus! You can tell Monobrow you thwarted me by distracting me from my evil plans!'

Perry looked up at the gawky, damaged human fate had chosen as his nemesis, saw the lingering fear and angst hidden badly behind the sudden enthusiasm and agreed. If anyone asked, he'd make something up. There were more important things in life than OWCA and LOVEMUFFIN's stupid conflict. He held out his hand with a courtly bow and a chitter.

  
'Oh alright Perry the Platypus, but you always lead!'

**Author's Note:**

> Of course it couldn't end on an angsty note, it's a charmingly daft cartoon!
> 
> Seriously though, given Doof's quote, "My point is, at its best, evil science is like undergoing deep Freudian analysis with a theremin constantly playing in the background." and the whole being forced to wear dresses as a child thing somehow turned into this. I dunno.


End file.
